There's No Place Like Gnome.

I have a garden gnome living in an empty KFC bucket in my room. How MTV cameras aren't following me around yet, I don't know. Recap of the week and then explanation as usual.

Monday was the waste-of-time Walk-a-thon. The Boner forced us to “donate” $75 to literally walk around the neighborhood for half an hour, during which me and Steph vandalized public property with advertisements for prostitutes [“I’am a hoe. For some fun, call SUGARBUSH at *insert Brenna’s cell number here*"]. After we went to Paneantico’s to fill my prosciutto and pretension quota for the month. Then we went to buy Steph a car; a silver [oh wait, sorry, “crystalline grey”] Subaru that I named The Raven because of its wing-like Spoiler. The rest of the school week was fairly ordinary. Now that there are only nine [eight?] school days left and all thoughts of education have vanished from student and faculty minds alike, we're in heavy movie mode, all of which enigmatically feature John Malkovich. Senioritis [Actually it’s gone beyond pedestrian senioritis. It’s like a dull impatience I just can't shake] is at an all time high and I am rebelling from doing anything that remotely resembles work for the remainder of the year.

Thankfully, Friday we had off because of our “kind work” from the Walk-a-thon, so I decided to host a little scavenger hunt. And by scavenger hunt, I mean a highly-competitive teamed car race throughout all of Brooklyn in pursuit of eternal glory and the following eccentric items:


THE HUNT LIST
ITEMS:
POINT VALUE:

1. An “Employees Must Wash Hands” Sign: 50 points
2. Teams must tag a bench on Shore between 79th and 85th, the find another Team’s tag and take a pic with it: 50 points
3. Picture of someone wearing lingerie: 50 points
4. Five pics with strangers, including: 20 points per picture
a. security guard/cop
b. a balding man wearing brown shoes
c. bar bouncer
d. senior citizen
e. waitress
5. Stolen condoms: 10 points
6. A periwinkle crayon: 20 points
7. A packet of ketchup from McDonald’s: 10 points
8. Picture of team walking through McD’s drive-through and ordering food: 75 points
9. A parking ticket: 50 points
10. A clip-on earring: 30 points
11. Picture of team with Winnie the Pooh: 10 points
12. Picture with Mike’s Chinese Cat: 30 points
13. Switch clothes with someone not on your team [picture is acceptable]: 50 points
14. Stolen garden gnome/Jesus statue: 100 points [200 for both]
15. Picture of team member in a stolen shopping cart: 50 points
16. Membership card from an adult film store [must be in team member’s name]: 75 points
17. Picture of team in a photo booth: 30 points
18. Picture of a hickey [cannot be self-sucked, sucking must be in progress in the photo]: 25 points
19.Purple shoelaces: 20 points
20. Picture of someone getting tattooed: 80 points [180 if it’s a team member]
21. Picture of team member with a dog with a doggy biscuit in team member’s mouth: 90 points
22. Picture of team member wearing bowling shoes: 40 points
23. Picture of senior citizen flipping off team [cannot be team members’ grandparents]: 150 points
24. Flintstone vitamins: 30 points
25. A bowtie: 20 points
26. Picture of team in wigs/toupees: 40 points
27. Tube of Preparation H: 20 points
28. Ping pong paddle: 10 points
29. A dill pickle: 10 points
30. Something that says “Made in Canada” on it: 20 points
31. A skateboard: 10 points
32. An empty KFC bucket: 40 points
33. A funnel: 10 points
34. A kiwi: 10 points
35. A tambourine: 15 points
36. Picture of members in front of a bakery: 20 points
37. Picture of team with hamster/gerbil: 50 points
38. Finished Sudoku puzzle: 50 points
39. Picture with a map of Narnia/ Middle Earth: 30 points
40. Picture with a Swahili dictionary: 20 points
41. Picture of team with a bottle of spermicide: 20 points
42. Picture of team member hoolah-hooping: 30 points
43. Picture of team with a Twister game set up and ready to play: 100 points
44. Picture of team with an actual pitched tent [not, I repeat, not a boner.]: 100 points
45. Picture of team member with a bowling trophy: 20 points
46. A boomerang: 40 points
47. A tape that teaches French [picture is acceptable]: 50 points
48. A wooden spoon: 10 points
49. A toilet seat: 50 points
50. A whoopee cushion: 20 points
51. Picture with a Daniel Steel novel with team reenacting the cover: 50 points
52. Picture with an 8 ball: 20 points [50 if actual 8 ball is present]
53. Picture of team with someone in a cowboy hat: 10 points
54. Picture of team with someone with a mullet: 50 points
55. A bible [bible must be present in every picture taken by the team. Oops, guess you should have read through the whole list first huh?]: 100 points

There were three teams, three cars and three hours to complete the fifty-five tasks. Team Cruiseship was me, Dre, Mike, Chris and Angie; Team Whistler was Jackie, Jamie, Amanda and Jesse; and Team No-Name was Ana and her boys. Team Cruiseship did pretty well; obviously we got the garden gnome [who is in my possession and has been named Nigel the Fabulous], we walked through McD’s drive through, got an old fart to flip us off, found a toilet seat, stole Preparation H, the periwinkle crayon, Sudoku, spermicide, Flintstone vitamins and condoms from various pharmacies, etc. At one point we were literally in the ghetto looking for a tattoo place so that Angie could get a smiley face and put us in first place for eternal glory but tattoos aren't cheap and an army of giant rats stole Deirdre’s salad so we had to escape. In the end, Team Whistler won with their enthusiasm and amazing-ness, but Team Cruiseship came in second with a respectable 1000 points [Woot!]

However, our party was cut short, in what Mike correctly described as a “dog pissing on your Carvel”, when Team Whistler got in a car accident during their victory lap. They sped right into a mint-condition Mustang at a red light, though, thank Coco Peru times two, nobody was seriously hurt. It did shake everyone up though but I'm so happy Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo and Glenn’s birthday [the golden oldie is the big 4-5] so I had to choose to celebrate one or the other. Luckily, Jody’s was taking Glenn out so I was going to go hang out with Jessica and get wrecked. But of course, excrutiating physical pain took over [due to over-exertion from exercising (when your abs hurt when you sneeze, you know you're in bad shape) and severe nausea from ancient homemade pizza crust] so I spent the night in with my Tivo. Today, Jody is throwing another insane Dinner Party competition [although I really shouldn't talk because my hunt-making abilities are definitely inherited from her side of the family] so me, Hootie, Steph and maybe Mel and Manda will probably go out for dinner and a movie. I have to go clean up the war zone that it is my room. Ciao.

Random Bits

1. Sneezing with iPod headphones is very awkward. You can't hear if anyone says "God bless you", and therefore cannot say "Thank you" unless you want to look like a tard if no one actually said it. But, if someone did say "God bless you" and you don't say "Thank you" because you didn't hear it in the first place, you look like a bitch. These are the thoughts that wrack through my brain at night.
2. What genius decided to make women have their periods all at the same time? Fontbonne almost literally burst in equal parts blood and bitchiness. Fucking Eve and her fucking apple.
3. Shopping for a prom dress is worse than Brazilian bikini waxes and your favorite bra's strap snapping combined [Random side note: However, your favorite bra's strap snapping is a close second. You know the bra, the one that lifts and separates and gives you the kind of cleavage that usually means you're not paying for your own drinks that night? There has been many a time when I've tried to salvage a good bra by stapling or duck-taping the straps back on. I'm so classy.] I literally needed a machete to get through all the chiffon. Devil.
4. My friend Laura showed me this a while ago and it's the most Blog de Chree-worthy piece of Youtube Love that I've ever seen:

Word Vomit

I hate work mornings. Not because, as I'm not a morning person, I have to wake up early, most likely after a night of liver deterioration, or the fact that I'm forced to be in the same vicinity as a pack of grotesquely annoying beasts. It's because I can't watch my cartoons. Seriously. Before tax season began, I used to have the morning to myself, and therefore could enjoy CBS's block of Saturday morning cartoons [Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Dance Revolution (ghetto prepubescent DDR) Horse Land (worst name ever), Trollz and Cake] peacefully and sans any embarrassment. But now that Bob the Denture Sucker and Hairy Harold [who actually wore a gold medallion in his exposed chest hair *insert internal bleeding here* the other day. I think that calls for a Jimmy Fallon-and-The Timberlake- induced pause: ] come in early, I can no longer watch the cracked-out animated gems without looking like a sick creep. And the absolute worst part about the extraction isn't even the lack of awesome shows. It's the lack of the amazing commercials and in-between banter that comes with the awesome shows. The hosts of the show, called KOL's Secret Slumber Party, are five girls [one of whom looks like she's on the Swiss Miss box yet speaks with a horrendous Puerto Rican accent] who together look like a Benneton ad, are obviously way older than their preteen archetypes and obviously despise each other off camera. They do little bits involving hand games, nail polish and fruit in between shows, but the best part is right before they go to commercial, they say obscene things like "BRB, LOL" and "G2G, TTYL". Like, actually say it out loud. It is insanely brilliant. However, I do hope they're getting paid a lot to spout out such unhip word vomit. You must see it, it will literally make your life. Saturday mornings. CBS. Be there. Ciao.

Random Nuisance:
I hate the way Tyra Banks says "Who" during her "Who will be America's Next Top Model?" intro. She goes up like an octave when she says it, then returns to her normal manly voice. Blech.

Quotes of the Day:
"My hamster had a seizure yesterday. It was so cute"- Gia

"I can't believe you told Sister E that I had a thirteen-year-old lesbian cousin who's pregnant and having an abortion!"- Moi, in note to Brenna*

*Explanation: As usual, the Psych class tried to distract Sister E from "teaching" with our usual method: screaming out controversial words such as "Homosexuality" or "Premarital Sex" until one issue sticks and she begins her rant-n-rave session. Today, the lucky word was "Abortion" and she was rambling as usual until Brenna, the genius that she is, decided to tell her that my so-called thirteen year old lesbian fruzin, or friend who is like a cousin, [although I do not know if she absorbed the lesbian part, as her brain did not explode into tiny fleshy fragments] was pregnant and considering having an abortion. So, of course, the holy roller starts interrogating me, even to the point where she pulled me over at the end of class to tell me that I should go with said fruzin to the Mercy Home. I swear to Jebus, she's going to kidnap my entire family and perform a group exorcism or something. I'm locking my doors.

What if Nathan Lane & ET had a baby?

This is a surprisingly accurate portrait I drew of Sister Eileen, a.k.a the hybrid of Nathan Lane & ET: Extraterrestrial, during Government class. Enjoy.